afordrunning

Several reasons I won’t wear thumb-rings:

1. Fonzi has the most famous thumb in history – he didn’t wear one.

2. Conflicts with my 4-finger ring.

3. The thumb is the big toe of the hand. You don’t see people with big toe rings!

4. You’ll look like a champion Thumb-Wrestler with a Thumb-Belt on.

5. People will think you are too fancy if you hitch hike.

6. Looks like you broke the finger cuffs in two.

7. No subtle way to accomplish two-digit nose picking.

8. Double thumbs-up move makes you look like EVEN MORE of a douchebag.

Halloween is not my favorite event of the year – see I can’t even call it a holiday. However, this year we had a ball of a time and I think it was because we choose to do it a little different.

The whole thing unfolded one night at dinner as we talked about why every female costume seemed so “trampy”. What could we do as a family that would be fun, and everyone could laugh and just be light about. Somehow the topic of breakfast came up, and we decided to dress the boys as eggs and the girl as bacon. That left Mom and I as the Cooks , get it – we made breakfast? Great laughs from everyone all night – this is the way to do what is otherwise a scary, uhm ahh – event.

Pics

Just got this in the mail (from a buddy) but it reminds me of the poll I have up on the blog. Check it out… half the response has been “Nope”, which cracks me up. 98% of the nope’s have been from the same I.P. address in New York.

Who hates me in NY?

The other nope’s have been from Tyler, TX and a couple of internal votes… both if which I probably get. Cracks me up…Haters.

Throughout my extensive travels on commercial airlines I have come to understand there are really just three types of Air Waiters or Waitresses (some people call them Stewards or Flight Attendants) that I will uncover for you here on afordrunning (your breaking name-calling source) today.

Safety Patrol: This repressed hall monitor has all the social graces of a prison guard. SP will remind you over and over that they are here for your safety – get your own damn drink or blanket – even though they are wearing high heels and or texting during take-off. By the way – “Airplane Mode is not OFF sir, just take the battery out of your iPhone.”

DJ: Gotta love the verbal skills and need for one more round of karaoke from this individual. Not only will you know the time, temp, and barometric pressure when you land in Chicago – but great ideas for a little brunch on the Northside and some potential names for pets you didn’t know you could adopt from a local shelter in need. Extra points if the pilot is a tour guide as well, “If you strain your eyes and look out the right side of the aircraft  you can just make out a fat guy walking his hamster in Des Moines.”

Floater: This one could go either way – I dropped it in one category because it’s a 50/50 90% of the time (gotta love that little ditty right?). Either the greatest version of air hospitality you have ever imagined – OR some lame-ass turd circling the toilet bowl of life just waiting to be flushed. So, either Angel or floating fecal matter – need to elaborate?

That’s it…three ways to describe today’s Air Waiter and Waitress – pretty definitive no?

“You’ll never go broke underestimating the stupidity of the general public.” is a quote attributed to the famous showman P.T. Barnum, and it always hit me as a harsh statement. But then again, I have always had this inherent belief that people are smarter than we often give them credit for. 

But, then again with the apparent success of entertainment outlets like Paul Blart Mall Cop and PeopleofWalMart.com literally being pinged into submission due to popularity …should we create items for the lowest common denominator or shoot for something a little more complex?

I guess it depends on what the desired outcome is, the demographics of the target audience and ohhhh look a balloon.

You heard it here first folks! The next set of talent for the myTouch Android commercial has been announced. Replacing Whoopi Goldberg, Phil Jackson, and Jesse James will be Gandhi, Jar Jar Binks, and a vending machine. 

Producers hope Gandhi, Binks, and the machine have the same chemistry that Goldberg, Jackson, and James had in the latest advert. The soundtrack will be “Tight Fittin’ Jeans” by Mr. Conway Twitty.

If you’re on Twitter you’ve probably seen the commonly used hashtags (#) written into tweets, and maybe wondered what they were. Hashtags are like Tags for Twitter. It’s a common way to identify your information across a broader community. 

One of the most common hashtags is #followfriday – appropriately called out on Friday as a recommendation for some user another person thinks worthy to follow. In that vein I am suggesting a whole week’s worth of Hashtags, or a way to make people laugh and alienate your followers.

#MoodyMonday  - for those Tweeple who like to bring everyone down with their 140 characters.

#TorrentialTuesday – for those prolific people who tweet more than they breathe. 

#WeaklingWednesday - so you can call out people who do NOT bring it.

#ThankfulThursday – for those Tweeple who spend most of their words kicking positive quotes.

#FreakFriday – for those people whose tweets make you feel like you’ve stepped into a tell-all confessional booth.

Here is the proposed look and title of my new business card. It is yet to be approved or denied, but I have my fingers crossed.

Really, I have always wanted to print my own street-cards from gapingvoid, and have even gone through with designing one no less than 4 times, but have never pulled the trigger. Little cartoons drawn on the backs of business cards – what a cool concept. What would your dream business card (not job) be?

Today a group of us were talking about a fellow we know, and it dawned on us that if everyone was a microsoft product he would be excel. Cracked us up. BTW I think I would not be a microsoft product but Keynote. Or maybe MS Paint?

Leave this on a coworkers desk…it could help you explain how the relationship is going at the moment. It’s the perfect card for all these situations, and maybe more.

You miss them.

It could be an opportunity for constructive criticism.

You’re hungry or a cannibal.

Cornucopia of Evil

Just thought this was funny…(that’s Hitler in a bountiful cornucopia of veggies) He makes it evil. Actually sparked a big idea though…

You know this looks just like him...right? Come on...please?

What started as a thread on a forum of photoshopping celebrities as everyday people turned into a 20+ page act of hilarity putting Gary Busey in every picture possible. It’s total dumb humor at it’s best, and you will be a happier person after seeing it – you won’t actually be any better, you might be worse – but it is hilarious.

The Three Socks of Stupid

Every personality test I have ever encountered is deficient in at least one critical area. They seem to be really good at painting a portrait of the best possible you. The “You” we want spoken about at our funerals, or at least on our resume. Every time I end up in a group session working through one of those things I think, “Damn, I should be running this place!” 

Here’s where they miss the mark – they don’t tell you what area of stupid you are most susceptible too. That’s right, stupid is a disease and you have to be ever vigilant against it, or you might just fall prey to one of the Three Socks of Stupid. Why three socks? Cause three socks is stupid – you only need two socks, unless you are a conjoined-at-the-head twin and then you both need four socks, but that blows the crap out of my number thing so this article isn’t for conjoined stupidity. Plus, I didn’t research this at all and the three types of stupid just hit me all at once, as in the names for the three types, not the symptoms of stupidity. 

So, anyway here are the three types of stupid most normal people will have to look out for. Once again, I didn’t research this, or form questions that will help you decode your level of stupidity, you will just have to hope an pray you are not a complete dullard (one of the levels of stupid I didn’t bother to address) and can kinda figure out which area you are most likely to contract. 

1. “I’m with Stupid” Sock – This deadly Sock is crippling to many people not just because it is personally damaging, but also because it requires more than one person to complete the level and there is strength in numbers. So “Stupid Strength’ is a by-product of this Sock and has certainly destroyed many a fine organization. The “I’m with Stupid” Sock is deadly because it requires people of adequate intelligence to side with, or at least not contradict other, louder people of questionable intellect in their decisions. By letting an idiotic opinion go unchecked, you are in short saying you agree with that opinion and in fact would love to sleep with it. Look, I didn’t make up the rules here, but if you want to avoid the I’m With Stupid Sock then you have to be prepared to punch an idiot in the face when they say stupid stuff. 

2. “Dazed and Confused” Sock – This sock is slow to creep up on you in that one minute you are completely on top of your game and the next minute you are sucking milk directly from the cow’s udder. Look what happened to the cast of Jack Ass, those guys all went to New York Film Academy! (note – no research) If you don’t want to wear this sock then you have to keep very alert, pay attention, and be prepared to be called on. You can’t just play the role of mole on the ass of life if you want to remain out of the Stupid Sock Drawer. You have to be the whole ass!

3. NUH -UH Sock – This is worst type of stupid. The Sock that is oblivious to the fact that it is stupid. Imagine walking around thinking you were right all the time? Always popping off about things that made you feel intelligent and superior but left you looking retarded and incapable. Never hearing what other people were saying, or caring about their informed opinions. Writing articles about other people being stupid and disguising it under some article of clothing like socks…wait, did I write that? 

Seriously, nothing wrong with looking positively at your personality (thank you ENTJ), but as a culture the inability to be wrong limits our growth. Be wrong, hell be all three socks, and don’t feel bad about it as long as you are always aware that there is room for personal improvement. Oh yeah, laugh about it too. Having a sense of humor about your shortcomings takes a lot of the ego out of the equation.